Lunk Alarm!

I had a number of things I was thinking about blogging. I feel like I've been remiss recently. Going to VA, being sick, assembling applications for a fellowship and two GAs, preparing for my mom's visit to NY, etc. etc. Here's what I came up with. It actually started as a Britney rant, and became a gym etiquette rant. I'll get back to the Britney at some future point since you're all no doubt titillated at the prospect. Perhaps there will also be a GA rant, a mom/visit rant, and, most shamefully of all, a That's Amore! rant. This is a spin-off of Tila's reality dating show, and, yes, I've been catching up. Another day.

I'm deadset against being one of those gym types I think of as "moaners" and "yellers." This may sound like Appalachian slang, but it isn't. Moaners and yellers are almost inevitably men. Moaning and yelling are the cardio equivalents of grunting. If you're not a gym rat, you probably don't know about the fervor people work themselves into over gym etiquette. Doing a bit of research on the grunting phenomenon, I found that some of the more inflammatory issues are the obvious ones like not wiping down sweaty equipment when it clearly needs to be squee-geed after your disgusting ass has used it and standing too close to, for example, a treadmill while waiting for the user to finish. If you remember my rage about Yacht-guy, this is probably starting to sound more than a little pathological.

Grunters, though, receive the most press. Some gyms even have posted anti-grunting policies where "lunks"--those who slam weights and make guttural sounds while lifting--are singled out and humiliated via something called a "lunk alarm." Sometimes they are even expelled and have their memberships revoked. I shit you not. Of course, lunks/grunters are upset about this as they feel their god-given right to grunt in public is being infringed upon, while health clubs claim they are trying to set a certain tone in the gym. In other words, not having dudes grunting and slamming weights around makes for a calmer and less intimidating gym experience. There's a great article from the Seattle Times about this issue here, if you're interested. The pivotal contention, apparently, is whether or not the grunting actually improves the workout, as many grunters insist. The Seattle Times writer takes the debate back to where it obviously needs to go: primates. To figure out whether or not it is "natural" for people to grunt, they examine the behavior of primates to figure out whether they grunt in moments of exertion. The comparison regrettably crumbles when the researchers are forced to conclude that unlike humans, monkeys never grunt disingenuously . Here's just a taste for those of you disinclined to follow the link:

But there are differences. Even though monkeys and apes grunt plenty, researchers believe they do it as an involuntary response to an emotion, Owren says. In short, you will never see a monkey fake a grunt.

Humans, however, have a unique ability to simulate or exaggerate this sound strictly for effect. Owren surmises that humans who produce exaggerated effort grunts do so to signal great exertion and, hence, great power.

"One can readily imagine that in a fitness and weight-lifting circumstance that it's being used as a kind of dominance signal," he said.

They really needed to consult a gruntologist (yes, the article refers coyly to the expert as such) to figure this out? Really? I could have told them this. There's a small but prominent cadre of guys who go to my gym who routinely slam weights, grunt, moan, and yell. My absolute favorites are the panting, big-bellied, sweaty older guys who try to correct my form while banging weights so loudly that the floor vibrates. One guy actually asked me why I don't slam them, since he finds it so "satisfying." I didn't tell him that I'm pretty sure if you're unable to resettle the weight without slamming it, you're lifting too much. Dominance signal? Posturing? Or, I guess the gym-slang is hot-dogging? Yeah. In my mind the guys who yell and moan incomprehensibly while running on the treadmill are in the same class as grunters. It's all about taking up space, and men are socialized to do this. Of course, this is when everyone drops in the apparently notoriously vocal Monica Seles and Maria Sharapova as proof that women do it too, but I guess I've just never had the good fortune to end up on treadmill next to one of them or any woman like them. Perhaps this would change everything for me.